Introduction
I was born in a practicing Muslim family in Pakistan. My father and mother were schoolteachers, and like most children, I grew up believing that Islam was the only truth. My childhood was filled with rituals of faith: praying five times a day in the mosque, attending Jummah prayers, reading Islamic books, and even joining the Dawat-e-Islami jamaat. To me, Islam was not just a religion — it was life itself.
A Childhood of Islam Faith
From an early age, I was taught discipline through religion. I memorized prayers, read the Quran, and spent hours in gatherings where Islamic teachings were glorified. I was proud of my devotion. People in my community respected practicing youth, and I was often seen as a model child of faith.
As I grew older, I began to study the Quran with translation. This was the turning point — where my unquestioned faith met uncomfortable reality.
The Beginning of Doubt on Islam
While reading the Quran with translation, I came across verses that shook me deeply. They did not match the merciful and compassionate God I had been told about.
Qur’an 9:29 — Fight those who do not believe in Allah and the Last Day, nor comply with what Allah and His Messenger have forbidden, nor embrace the religion of truth from among those who were given the Scripture, until they pay the tax, willingly submitting, fully humbled.
Qur’an 8:12 — I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. So strike them upon the necks and strike from them every fingertip.
Qur’an 23:5-6 — [The believers] guard their chastity, except from their wives or those their right hands possess, for indeed they are not to be blamed.
These verses clashed with my sense of morality and justice. I asked myself: How could a divine book command such things?
The Life of the Prophet — More Questions
My doubts multiplied when I studied the life of Prophet Muhammad. I learned that he had multiple wives, including Ayesha, whom he married at six and consummated the marriage at nine.
- Sahih al-Bukhari, Book 67, Hadith 88: “The Prophet married me when I was six years old, and consummated the marriage with me when I was nine years old.”
- Sahih al-Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Hadith 65: “The Prophet married me when I was six years old, and consummated his marriage when I was nine years old, and then I remained with him for nine years (till his death).”
- Sahih Muslim, Book 8, Hadith 3310: “Allah’s Messenger married me when I was six years old, and consummated the marriage when I was nine years old.”
This revelation shook me to my core. How could a prophet, described as the best of men, engage in what today would be considered immoral?
Seeking Answers, Finding Silence
In my confusion, I turned to the mosque imam with my questions. Instead of answers, I was silenced.
“Don’t ask such things. This is from Allah. We cannot question it.”
That response was the final push. I realized that my questions were not welcome because the answers would expose uncomfortable truths. The religion I thought was unshakable truth was, in reality, fragile when questioned.
Leaving Islam in Silence
At that moment, I quietly left Islam in my heart. I never told anyone — not my family, not my friends. In Pakistan, admitting apostasy is dangerous. You can lose your family, your freedom, even your life. So I carried this secret inside me.
But silence is heavy. Every day, I lived between two worlds: outwardly performing rituals to protect myself, inwardly free from faith.
Why I Speak Now
This year, I have decided that my silence must end. Too many lives are destroyed by blasphemy laws, too many voices are silenced in fear, and too many people suffer for simply asking questions.
I am going to expose everything I have discovered, piece by piece. Not out of hatred, but out of a commitment to truth. My story is just one among many, but by speaking, I hope others will realize they are not alone.
Conclusion
My journey from devotion to doubt, and from doubt to freedom, has been painful yet liberating. I once believed without question, but now I question because I value truth.
To those still trapped in fear, I say: Your doubts are valid. Your questions matter. And you are not alone
